Posterior Problems
by CosmicAutumnRebel
Summary: Cartman's huge butt is causing a...well, a buttload of issues in his daily life. Crack. Eventual gayness and background Stendy and Kybe.


**Author** **note:** Believe it or not, this fic was inspired by a few Buzzfeed articles and a similarly-themed Buzzfeed quiz. Yeah, that site is a timesuck... but I applied it to my fanfiction.

**I don't own South Park. If I did, there would be a lot more shirtless Cartman.**

* * *

"God dammit, why do they make the aisles so narrow on these things?" Cartman groaned, making his way to the back row of the bus. He was trying to nonchalantly get to school, but his ass was giving him issues.

Behind him was Butters Stotch. Butters had always been fascinated by butts, and Cartman had the hugest butt he'd ever seen. It was bigger than Kim Kardashian's! He stared in awe at the powerful ass before his eyes as Kenny swung his hand out.

Kenny slapped Cartman on the ass.

"Kenny! Don't fucking do that!"

Kenny exploded into a fit of muffled laughter.

"Now Kenny, was that nice?"

"Ppfmfp, mmfppfppmmpp ppfppp, Mff fppmmmfmm pmmfmffmmfmp pfmpmfmmmffmmffpppmfm mmmpffppffmfpppmpm."

"I know you were only playing around, but I don't think Eric likes it."

"Of course I don't like it!" Cartman snapped, his ass knocking someone's hat off as he turned around. "Nobody wants to be slapped on the ass!"

"Maybe Kenny didn't mean to do it." Kyle interjected. "Your ass is so fucking fat it's hard to miss."

"Mpmfmfmpmmpp. Mff ppmmppmmmpppfmp fmpppf mpmppf mfffmp."

"Guys...please. Can we just, like, avoid another argument?" Stan groaned, pinching his nose.

And then Kenny and Kyle shut up.

Cartman squeezed into a seat, muttering passive-aggressively. "I fucking hate buses..."

Butters scooted in next to him. About a quarter of his butt was hanging over the seat. Across from him, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny were comfortably sitting three-to-a-seat. There was practically enough room for a fourth person in that seat. Yet Butters was more comfortable sitting next to Cartman. He was like a human seat warmer. Probably even warmer than Jennifer Lawrence... Butters tthought as he drifted off. He hadn't slept much the night before.

Just as he fell asleep, sea green eyes shut, drooling all over Cartman, the bus lurched forward. Butters slammed forwards and woke up. "Huh?"

Cartman was leaning on Butters, sleeping soundly. He jerked upwards, looking around. "Butters..."

"Eric...I think we're here..."

"Shit." Cartman pushed Butters away, and he stood up. Cartman pulled himself up by the back of the seat in front of him. "I don't wanna do math today..."

Kyle laughed as Cartman stumbled off the bus in front of him. "You should twerk, like Miley Cyrus...'cept no one wants to see you in a skanky skintight outfit like hers."

Cartman glared back at Kyle. "Don't even fucking start today, Kahl. Don't even start on me. I will fart in class, and you'll have to deal with it."

And then Kyle shut up.

·~·~·~·

At 11 am, Mr. Garrison scrawled 'Long Division' across the board. "Okay children, now who can solve for the square root of 69?"

Cartman shot his hand into the air. "I can! I can!" He jumped out of his seat, which his ass had been hanging out of, and walked to the blackboard. He could hear most of the class whispering about his ass behind him.

"Where's he get his jeans, Lane Bryant?"

"I heard he has to borrow his mom's g-strings now."

"How does he even walk with all that junk in the trunk? Geez..."

Despite all the comments, Cartman worked out the problem.

That is, until he dropped the chalk.

He bent over to pick it up...and then his pants split.

Right down the back.

It was like a cliche in a 60s sitcom.

The remarks picked back up as Cartman blushed and trotted out of the room.

"What a baby!"

"I knew those pants wouldn't hold up against his huge rear-end."

"Someone's been eating too much KFC. What does he do with the gravy, drink it?"

A red-faced Cartman burst his way into the front office. "I need to borrow pants."

"What happened?" the secretary asked, incredibly bored.

"I bent over, and then-"

She stopped him. "Oh, it's you again. Come on, I'm sure we've got something you can manage to squeeze your ass into."

Cartman followed the secretary into the nurse's office. She pulled out a pair of terry cloth drawstring pants.

They didn't fit Cartman. His massive, ungodly ass was hanging out of the back.

"Well, I can see pants aren't gonna work. Here."

The secretary tossed Cartman a broomstick skirt.

"I'm not gonna wear a skirt! That's for chicks!"

"Take it or leave it, kid."

Cartman cursed her out and put on the skirt.

~·~·~

As soon as he got back in the classroom, Cartman got several confused stares.

"What, you haven't seen me wear a skirt before?"

Butters was focuses on how nice Cartman's butt looked in girl's clothing. He could even tell Eric was happy-he wasn't wearing any underwear, and his wiener was sticking out.

Mr. Garrison tried to ignore his sexual urges and teach the class. "Now, students..." He glanced at Eric Cartman. The skirt was made of thin, flowy material. It pulled tight across Eric's hips, and it was practically transparent where his ass hung over the seat. Oh, the things Garrison wanted to do to some of his students...

"What were you saying, Mr. Garrison?" Wendy piped up from the back of the room.

"Well, I was about to teach you all about the history of...Ancient Greece. You see, class, the Greeks had no qualms about acting upon their sex drives, and often kept young boys for their own pleasure. They often used olive oil for..."

Cartman zoned out at that point. He didn't want to hear about ancient buttsex. He just wanted to go home. It wasn't easy to sit in class with a boner from wearing something you'd only wear in private.


End file.
